I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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