I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
