Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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