Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
