In America we eat man semen.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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