i think my tv is drunk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
