none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
