your thong is hanging out like whoa
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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