that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
