Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
