Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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