I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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