I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
