I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
