I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
