hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
