you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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