you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
