I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
