He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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