Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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