Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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