Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
