made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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