My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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