my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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