I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
