i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
