i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
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Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.