The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell