he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.