My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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