you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
