theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
