White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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