Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
