And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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