I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
