A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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