I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So apparently I’m into choking now
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
