saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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