My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
