I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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