i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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