i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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