Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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