Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
