last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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