if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
