it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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