he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
