three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
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He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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