she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
