ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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