i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I will pee on everything he values.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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