These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
