so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
