she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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