Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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