your parents love me but you hate me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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