I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
