it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
