In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
