you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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